REFRAMING THE DISAGREEMENT

A surprising amount of conflict happens because the two sides are arguing about different things while believing they're arguing about the same thing. The disagreement on the surface (the policy, the decision, the line) hides a disagreement underneath (the value, the principle, the experience).

The practice trains the move that ends the cycle: instead of defending your position, ask what the underlying disagreement actually is. Sometimes that's the conversation that was supposed to happen.

1. 1.Pick a real disagreement — the recurring kind. The argument you keep having.
2. 2.Write what the disagreement seems to be on the surface. In one sentence.
3. 3.Now ask: what would have to be true for my position to be right? What underlying belief, value, or experience am I drawing on?
4. 4.Do the same for the other side: what underlying belief/value/experience would have to be true for them to be right?
5. 5.Compare. The disagreement on the SURFACE often turns out to be downstream of a disagreement on the UNDERLYING level. Name the underlying disagreement.
6. 6.Optional: bring the underlying disagreement to the other person. 'I think we're actually disagreeing about ___. Does that ring true?'